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Jeneft

I have a doll, her name is Jeneft… don’t ask…. I have no idea where I thought that name up from… I’m not even sure how to spell it!

Jeneft has been part of my life for as long as I can remember. When I was a little girl, she was the one I would cry myself to sleep with after a bad day, she was the first thing I packed in my doll’s pram the time I was going to run away from home… and she was my first life lesson in things that can’t be undone.

As a young girl, I aspired to be a hairdresser. Jeneft was my first ‘client’. Yes, I cut off all her hair. I tried to stick it back with sticky tape before woefully bringing her to my mum so she could fix it… because Mums fix everything, right? Wrong. Not even my mum could make Jenefts hair come back… it was gone… and she now had a very unattractive hair do.

And, just to rub salt into the wound, poor Jenefts feet were also unceremoniously chewed off by my Fox Terrier puppy.

Time went on and I lost track of Jeneft.  Although I never forgot her, for a while I did not know where she had ended up. It turned out my mum had kept her and knitted her a lovely bonnet and sewed some new feet and shoes to cover up her injuries. I still remember finding her in a box one day and the giggle it brought James as I loudly exclaimed her name… Jeneft!! He said in that moment I reminded him of an excited little girl.

We all have a ‘Jeneft moment’ in our lives… sometimes more than one. A time when we do something and as soon as it is done, we realise our mistake and try desperately to undo it. But unfortunately, some things just cannot be undone. Sometimes the consequences of our actions will stay with us forever… and we are left with scars, visible like my Jenefts, or invisible that only we know about.

And often our ‘Jeneft moments’ come at the hands of someone else. An action done not by us, but to us, that cannot be undone.

I have had many ‘Jeneft moments’ in my life but the defining one came in 1984. Regular readers of my blog will know the story but for the benefit of those who don’t… here it is, long story, short…. I fell pregnant to my boyfriend at the age of sixteen. To say his parents were displeased is the understatement of the century. They forced me in no uncertain terms to get rid of the problem that I had created. This ‘problem’ was my unborn and still developing baby, their grandchild. Call me naive but back then I had no idea about developmental stages in the womb. As with cutting Jeneft’s hair, I didn’t fully consider the consequences of having an abortion… I had no idea what an impact my actions would have. I honestly thought and was deceived into believing that as long as you aborted before the twelve-week point, no harm was done because ‘it’ hadn’t started forming yet. ‘It’ was still only just a clump of tissue. I think back on that now and cringe… how could I have been so ignorant? The tragedy in this is that I am more than likely not alone… and the bigger tragedy is that there are people in the abortion industry who still promote this theory.

Fast forward thirty-six years and rarely a day goes by for me without being reminded of that time. A social media post calling women who have abortions murderers, an article demonising those same women for making an impossible ‘choice’ or a modern day pharisee on their self-righteous high horse is usually enough for the feelings of anger to well up, even though I know I am fully forgiven, fully loved and fully whole in Jesus regardless of my past.

As with Jeneft, no one could put me back together after that experience. It was as if nobody wanted to talk about it as each person in the drama tried to figure out how to play their part, by either acknowledging it and dealing with it, or burying their heads in the sand and hoping it goes away, which has been my ex-boyfriend’s approach up until now. But the thing is, something like this can never go away – no matter how deep you try to bury it, it will inevitably find its way to the surface time and again until you deal with it. And I literally came face to face with that exact thing earlier this year. If you haven’t read about that encounter, you can read it here Little Girl Lost – Redeemed

What I learned from that encounter is that it is not my responsibility to put other people back together, nor is it theirs to put me back together. The past can only stay buried for so long until it comes back to bite you. And if you are not ready, it will not be a pleasant experience.

I found out recently through a mutual friend that my ex-boyfriend still holds his mother’s opinion that having an abortion was “the right thing to do”. I actually feel incredibly sorry for both of them that they hold that belief. Trying to deny that something happened is not going to change the fact that it did. And I have found that God has a way of undoing everything that we believe is secure in our thinking. Eventually He will unravel us until we have no choice but to confront our past. And that, my friend, is truly the “right thing to do” because then and only then can we find the freedom and healing that only He can bring.

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Kidney Stones (This too shall pass)

It was a Saturday afternoon, and we had attended the wedding of some beautiful friends celebrating with them in the goodness of God and redemption in their lives. By Sunday morning we were in the Emergency Department of our local hospital with James writhing in excruciating abdominal pain… Less than twelve hours for everything to go from celebration and joy to “what the heck is wrong with my husband?!”

It was the worst thing I have ever seen, seeing him in so much pain that it caused him to sweat and want to vomit, feeling helpless in being able to make him feel better and make his pain go away. Thank God for the invention of intravenous pain killers! Within a short amount of time the pain had eased enough for the medical staff to begin the tests that would tell us what was causing him so much agony. Blood and urine tests plus a CT scan showed the culprit, a 4mm kidney stone. You would say that 4mm is not that big… until it must pass through a tiny tube to be expelled. Seven weeks passed until the stone made its way out of his body. Seven weeks of pain and discomfort. Seven weeks of frustration and uncertainty. Seven weeks when we had no other choice but to believe that God was in control of this situation. Seven seemingly unending weeks.

As He usually does these days, the Holy Spirit spoke to me during our time in the hospital while I was watching helplessly as my man was suffering in pain like I had never seen anyone suffer in pain before. For someone who usually likes to be in control of a situation this was unfamiliar and unpleasant territory for both of us. But isn’t that when God works best?

The Holy Spirit spoke to me about sin, about how little things that would appear inconsequential can cause so much pain and how they stay hidden for only so long before they must be brought into the open.

What did I learn from this experience?

I learned that something tiny and seemingly insignificant can cause an enormous amount of pain. Just because it is hidden does not mean its impact is any less. In any small moment in time, we can utter a harsh word, gossip, reject, ignore, belittle, criticize… the list could go on. All these things to our world would seem harmless. “Toughen up” people would say. “You’re too sensitive”.  

We will be called to give an account. We may think we can keep our sin hidden but we can’t, not for long anyway. We can try but ultimately it will be revealed and brought to account. We must keep short accounts with God and with man. The suddenness and severity of James’ pain was a wakeup call. At one stage I honestly began contemplating life if something were to happen, and he was no longer here. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account. ~ Hebrews 4:13

But the good news is in the following verses 14-16 Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are, yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

James’ kidney stone was small, and it was hidden but that did not stop it from being incredibly painful. He could cover it up and numb it with pain killers, but it was still there. The pain didn’t go away until the kidney stone was expelled from his body. The pain of sin does not go away until we deal with it either. We can try and numb the pain with drugs, excessive alcohol and unhealthy habits or relationships but until we give it completely to God through Jesus to heal and restore, the pain will always be there. Just as James’ kidney stone had to go through the process of working its way out of his body, we must go through the process of God working in us to remove the sin and hidden baggage we have been carrying around.

For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open. ~ Luke 8:17

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Doggy Doo

Doggy Doo

My 6am alarm went off and roused me from my sleep. I am on thyroid medication which must be taken at least half an hour before I eat or drink anything, so I need to be very disciplined about my 6am wake up call. I do not like having to wait any longer than necessary for that first cup of coffee!

I got up to make my way from our bedroom to get my tablet from the fridge in the kitchen. I don’t usually turn a light on because I know the way so well, and I don’t like to disturb James. This morning I walked through the living room in the semi darkness and noticed something dark on the carpet. My first thought was it must have been one of Holly’s toys quickly followed by I thought I cleaned all her toys up before I went to bed last night? My third thought was to nudge it with my toe to see what it was… until the internal voice of wisdom said, Don’t be sticking your toe in that, turn the light on to see properly what it is. I loved that voice of wisdom when I turned on the light to be confronted with a sloppy pile of doggy doo.

So instead of taking my medication and going back to bed for half an hour which is normally how it works, my day began on my hands and knees cleaning up a pile of dog poop… not exactly how I had planned to start my day!

In the middle of all this James got up and took the dog outside. As he opened the sliding door into our backyard, he said “hey wow, look at the sky!” Well, I’m a bit busy right now but ok… The sunrise was beautiful, full of pink clouds and grey shadows. It was something I would normally run to get my camera for, to capture the moment. But not this morning. This morning I was on my hands and knees cleaning up dog poop.

The song “Graves into Gardens” by Elevation Worship popped into my head. You turn graves into gardens… Yes, God can and often does, turn the most awful of circumstances into something beautiful. My focus was immediately shifted from the pile of poop in front of me to the beautiful sky that was also in front of me. It’s all about perspective. I could have easily focussed on the literally crappy start to my day but instead I chose to focus on the beauty of God’s creation and the fact that His mercies are new every morning. Our day could have so easily been ruined if I had chosen to focus on the negative instead of seeing it as a minor inconvenience which really only cost me an extra half an hour of sleep.

“The faithful love of the LORD never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, “The LORD is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!”                                             

~  Lamentations 3:22-24 NLT

Every day we have the choice to start over. God has given us that choice when He says to us His mercies begin afresh each morning. He chooses to start each day afresh with us so why do we so often carry the hurts, disappointments and bitterness of yesterday into today? Why do we allow a minor inconvenience in the morning to cloud the whole day?

I cleaned up the mess and then was able to laugh about it with our friends when we went out for brunch. Fortunately for Holly, she is very cute and easy to forgive when she does something wrong! How much more so for God when He forgives us? I know I am not always endearing like my puppy when I do something wrong!

If we just ask Him, God forgives us despite ourselves and every day we can wake up with a fresh start. How good is that? And I’m so thankful that He speaks to us in every circumstance…. Even when we are on our hands and knees cleaning up poop!

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Little Girl Lost

As a grown woman, I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I could super-impose my older, wiser head onto the shoulders of the young girl and teenager I once was. Of course, that cannot happen, and if it did, I would not be writing this blog! But every now and then I just want to put my arms around her and reassure her that it is going to be alright. I want to tell her that she is loved and valued for who she is, not who she thinks others expect her to be. I want to tell her she turns out ok, despite everything she is going through.

Recently I faced a situation where a significant piece of my past literally turned up right in front of me. Through a bizarre connection, my ex-boyfriend the father of my aborted baby, and his mother the woman who insisted it happen, were both in the city where I live for an event that I was going to be at. Because of the bizarre connection, I was given warning they would be there but that did little to dispel my apprehension about seeing them after all these years.

In the week leading up to this event I went through the whole gamut of emotions. From feeling brave to feeling terrified. Feeling angry to feeling sad. Feeling defensive to feeling gracious. But my overwhelming feeling was protective…. Protective of my sixteen-year-old self. I just wanted to wrap her in my arms and say, “it’s ok girlfriend, we’ve got this”. The memories and feelings this pending confrontation evoked had me in a spin. My grown woman was ready, but my inner teenage girl was not even close to being ready to face the people who had caused her so much pain.

The day came and I prepared myself as best I could. My outfit, hair and attitude were all carefully put together to ensure I felt as confident as was possible under the circumstance I was in. I looked good, and I felt good. But inside I was as nervous as anything. It’s ok girlfriend, we’ve got this… it was the unmistakeable voice of the Holy Spirit. He was reassuring me that I was not alone, and I immediately felt at peace.

The event went off without incident and afterwards I got the feeling my ex-boyfriend wanted to speak to me. He was hovering, and it was weird. We have had no contact for thirty-six years. Obviously, he lost his nerve because he never said a word to me but a week later, he sent a text to a mutual friend asking them to apologise to me. For what?? That you forced me to kill our baby, or because you didn’t have the guts to speak to me? His mother on the other hand had once again made herself abundantly clear. It took every ounce of courage I had to look her squarely in the eye, only to have her turn on her heel and walk away without uttering a word. She didn’t have to. I knew where we stood.

But you know what? I faced my giants that day, and they were nowhere near as big as I thought they were. My little girl lost found herself that day and discovered she is brave, she is beautiful, and she is loved despite any lies the enemy tries to throw at her. This was a monumental moment in my life, and I came away from it feeling at least twenty kilograms lighter, such was the weight that had been lifted.

I have forgiven my ex-boyfriend and his mother. More than that, I feel compassion for them because they clearly have not acknowledged or dealt with the part they played in this chapter of my life, and in the ending of my baby’s life before it even began. That is still a process they must go through. I have forgiven myself and I know I am forgiven by God, and Jesus who is watching over my child until we meet in Heaven. Yes, I believe my baby went to Heaven and I will get to meet him one day.

I still cannot believe the circumstances that enabled this set of events to happen. If I told you the whole story you would not believe me, it is that incredible. Although, I will tell the whole story one day, but the final chapter is still to be written so it will have to wait.

One of the songs we sang in church that weekend was ‘Raise a Hallelujah’ by Bethel Music

“I raise a hallelujah, In the presence of my enemies; I raise a hallelujah, Louder than the unbelief. I raise a hallelujah, My weapon is a melody; I raise a hallelujah, Heaven comes to fight for me. I’m gonna sing in the middle of the storm. Louder and louder, you’re gonna hear my praises roar. Up from the ashes hope will arise; Death is defeated, the King is alive. I raise a hallelujah, With everything inside of me; I raise a hallelujah, I will watch the darkness flee. I raise a hallelujah, In the middle of the mystery; I raise a hallelujah, Fear, you lost your hold on me”

Thank you Jesus. I could not have said it better myself.

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Bruises

My dog Holly and I had a run in yesterday. She is very exuberant in showing her love and I unfortunately had my face in the wrong place at the wrong time and received a massive paw to the nose and mouth. It was completely accidental, but boy did it hurt!

This unintentional injury from Holly took me back to another place, another time and another injury to my face. One punch, two punches, three punches to the side of my face; only coming to an end when my young daughter who had silently entered the room with her brother cried “Dad, Stop!” It broke my heart that they had to witness what they saw. The pain I now had around my eyes and the side of my nose after my run in with Holly triggered a memory of the pain I had then when I received a beating because I had said or done something wrong. The black eye I tried in vain to cover up, the lies I had to tell my boss explaining why I could not come to work. The fear, the shame… the guilt. Oh, the guilt. Because clearly this was my fault…. People don’t go around behaving like this for no reason. Right?

So, after a very restless night, I woke this morning feeling like I had been hit by a truck. Every part of me ached, especially my head. Holly is a Golden Retriever, and her paws are huge, but I imagine the stirred-up memory was also very much contributing to my headache.

As I was getting ready to shower, thinking about this past event that had so unexpectedly reared its ugly head, the words came to me Lord, I forgive him. Where did that come from?! Didn’t I already forgive this stuff? Again, the words “Lord, I forgive him” only this time they came not from inside my head but out of my mouth.

After my shower as I was putting my make-up on, the mirror in front of me clearly showed my wounds from Holly. I remembered another moment of putting on make-up to try and cover the ugly black eye… Lord, I forgive him. I remembered the family and friends I no longer see because I wasn’t allowed to have contact with them… Lord, I forgive him. The pain he caused me and my children… Lord, I forgive him. The affair, the lies, the abuse, the manipulation that it was all my fault… Lord I forgive him.

One by one the memories came… and one by one the words Lord, I forgive him. By the end of it I felt like I had gone ten rounds with Mike Tyson. I was physically, spiritually, emotionally and mentally drained.

I had a group of ladies coming over in an hour and my first instinct was to cancel them. I looked hideous and I was tired. I just wanted to curl up in a corner and hide. Then it came… ‘Thankfulness’. “What?” It was a clear instruction from the Holy Spirit. Be thankful. ‘Put on a garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness’.

“To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the LORD has planted for his own glory.” ~ Isaiah 61:3 NLT

While I don’t believe God deliberately caused Holly’s paw to slap me in the face, I do believe He is using it for His purpose in extending my stretch and my growth. My attitude completely changed as I began to find things to be thankful for… and there are so many.

My past may bring up painful reminders from time to time, but nothing is wasted in God. He will use any and every circumstance for His glory and to bring us to the place where we can be fully, honestly and completely whole. I took one step closer to that place today… and I must be thankful that my dog so lovingly slapped me in the face!

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Storms

And Peter answered him, “Lord if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” He said “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord save me.” Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. Matthew 14:28-32

I love this passage of Scripture. Peter’s clumsy humanness is something we can all relate to I am sure! His child-like request of Jesus is beautiful in its sincerity and reckless in its boldness all at the same time. ‘Command me to come to you on the water’ who in their right mind asks the Saviour of the world to command them to do the impossible?!

But, as we know, Peter’s reckless abandon quickly disappeared when he started to realise the predicament he was in. He took his eyes off Jesus and looked at the ridiculousness of his situation instead… and he started to sink. He forgot whose strength he should have been relying on and he was afraid. I wonder what was going through his mind at that moment. Oh dear, what have I done? Keeping it real, that is probably not the first thought that would have come to my mind!

But what did Jesus do? He rescued him yes, but He also rebuked him for his lack of faith. He “immediately” took Peter’s hand to steady him but then He said, “why did you doubt?” I like to imagine this question as a gentle concern rather than an accusatory statement. I like to imagine seeing Jesus with His arms around Peter and saying it’s ok, we’ve got this, trust me.

The other thing to note in this passage is that the wind did not stop until AFTER they were back in the boat (vs 32). Jesus did not save Peter from walking through the storm, He simply walked through the storm beside him. Peter still had to face his fears, take his eyes off his situation and put his trust completely in Jesus before he could return to the safety of the boat.

What is the lens you most often use to look at your circumstances? Fear or faith? Do you boldly step into something God has asked you to do only to splutter and sink when it becomes too hard? Jesus never said life would be easy, in fact in John 16:33 He warns us of the exact opposite. But in that verse, He also tells us to take heart because He has already overcome. And we can overcome too.

You are already an overcomer… you just need to believe it. I have faced many trials and tribulations in my life, some of my own making and others I had absolutely no choice in. Yet I am still constantly amazed at the goodness of God in every single situation. He has written the story of my life with so many twists and turns it makes my head spin sometimes!

Sometimes we must take a risk like Peter did. And in taking these risks I believe there are three things we need to do to step into the plan and purpose God has for us. We need to forgive, ourselves as well as those who have hurt us; we need to submit to the work of the Holy Spirit in us to make us healed and whole and we need to believe we are who God says we are. We are fearfully and wonderfully made in His image to do the things He planned and prepared for us to do…. and sometimes that means we have to walk through a few storms!

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Dreams

“Sometimes the only appropriate course of action is a good cry…”

This came up in my Facebook memories as my status update 10 years ago.

The reference of this memory is the selling of a camper trailer I had owned and had planned to travel in with my ex. Selling it was one of the final steps in the closure and completion of my divorce. Selling it represented not just a physical loss but the huge emotional loss of broken promises and shattered dreams, and yes, when it was driven out of my driveway, I sat down and had a good cry.

A wise friend once told me, I had to lay down some of my dreams because they were being built on an unstable foundation. Over the course of the past decade I have realised time and again how true these words proved to be. Often we have to let our dreams die and be buried so that God can resurrect them, usually in ways we couldn’t have even imagined!

But, God given dreams never fully die.

I love the story of Joseph in Genesis chapters 37 – 50. Joseph waited 13 years for his dreams to come to fruition… and it’s encouraging to us to know he made a few mistakes along the way!

One of Joseph’s first and biggest mistakes was to tell his brothers about his dream. We can, and should, learn a lot from this…. Not everyone is going to share in your excitement about the dreams God has placed in your heart. This is exactly the thing that led to the status at the start of this blog. God placed the dream and the call to ministry in my heart over twelve years ago and I had started to take tentative steps, as I was led into fulfilling this call. Like Joseph, I was naïve and immature in my excitement and thought that everybody else would feel the same. Right? Wrong. My ex was seriously freaked out by my newfound wholeness and desire to share what I had found with the rest of the world. His solution? Have an affair with another insecure woman who would feed his ego in ways that I no longer was. I was shattered. I did everything I could to save my marriage, but no-one wins a fight that only one person is in.

Fast forward ten years, and obviously there is much more to this story that is still to be told but suffice to say, God is restoring my dream of travel. He has blessed me with an incredible man of integrity… and now a new camper trailer! God is also restoring my dream of ministry but there are still sacrifices to be made and, like Joseph, I have had to learn a few things along the way.

I had to learn to stay faithful to my God given dreams. I had to learn to trust, even in the darkest moments. I had to learn to believe that I was worthy of love and I had to learn to believe that I had something to say that people would want to listen to. But, most of all I am learning that God’s picture is so much bigger than anything I could have dreamed or imagined. I believe there are blessings that will come in my next season that will absolutely blow not only my mind but others who God has chosen my journey to have an impact upon “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good…” Genesis 50:20a. Resting in God is an exciting place to be!

I guess my final thought is this… if you have had to let go of a dream, let it go, have a good cry and then leave it to God. He knows what He is doing… and He is much better at planning our lives than we are!

Romans 8:28

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2020… the year that was…

As I sit today to look back and reflect on the year that was 2020, many things come to mind… it has been a year where we faced things that our generation would never have imagined in our wildest dreams. The year where people got sick and died alone, and funerals and weddings could not be attended by loved ones. The year that everybody had to cancel holiday plans as we collectively went into worldwide lock down. And the year where family celebrations and visits could not be held due to social distancing restrictions.

The year we ran out of toilet paper and hand sanitiser.

2020 will certainly go down as one of the strangest years we have ever experienced.

I think I can say with confidence that not a single person I know has not faced some kind of loss or disappointment because of COVID-19. And I know many of you have also had personal circumstances where you suffered loss and faced huge battles and difficult decisions this year. You have given me the privilege of walking beside you and praying with and for you as you fought those battles and for that I thank you. It is indeed an honour to bring hope and the love of Jesus into the dark and sad places. I have been inspired to see the grace, strength and courage that has been displayed by you as life as we knew it slowly came tumbling down around us…

For us personally, James and I have also faced struggles and fought some battles this year. But I can honestly say we will end 2020 far stronger than we started it. This has been a year of learning obedience, patience and perseverance, of clinging to hope, and of discovering what it truly means to put your absolute faith and trust in God… to not just say it, but to live it.

As we close the door on 2020 today, I pray that we will remember and learn from it. I pray that we will have found the good (and there was lots of good!) I pray that we will never again become complacent about our world and our relationships. And, above all I pray that we will go into 2021 full of expectation, of hope and in awe of our God, who was and is and is to come. He is still on the throne and worthy of our praise despite our circumstances.

My reading this morning was from Psalm 150… the final Psalm, fitting for the final day of a long year…

Praise the Lord!

Praise God in His sanctuary; Praise Him in His mighty heavens!

Praise Him for His mighty deeds; Praise Him according to His excellent greatness!

Praise Him with trumpet sound; Praise Him with lute and harp!

Praise Him with tambourine and dance, Praise Him with strings and pipe!

Praise Him with sounding cymbals; Praise Him with loud clashing cymbals!

Let everything that has breath praise the Lord!

Praise the Lord!

Psalm 150 ~ ESV

And finally, I just want to say how grateful I am that you are still subscribing, reading and following my blogs. I genuinely appreciate each and every one of you and I honestly love hearing from you when my ramblings mean something to you, and you take the time to tell me. I am personally praying for more interaction, expansion and growth in my blog and social media pages in the coming year as I continue to do what God has called me to do in reaching, encouraging and bringing the hope of Jesus Christ to a hurting world. Thank you so very much for being a part of that!

Happy New Year from our house to yours … May 2021 bring much joy, peace, blessings and love to us all.

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Christmas Trees

Regular readers of my blog would know how much I love Christmas. Last year I shared the story about why James and I have two Christmas trees, if you missed it you can read it here: The Tale of Two Trees… – Redeemed

One of our trees is a white tree that I decorate with colour co-ordinated baubles in my favourite colours of purple, blue, teal and pink. The other tree is a traditional green tree which is decorated with a lifetime of memories… they are both beautiful in their own way.

Neither tree is shop window perfectly decorated, I unfortunately don’t have that skill. But to me they are perfect because they are decorated with love and meaning. It usually takes me about a week to finish our trees… I do the ‘first draft’ and then sit back to see where the gaps are, how it looks in different light etc until I am happy with the final product!

Our white tree is a fun thing to do, and the second of our two trees. The other tree, the ‘main tree’ is more significant, because just about every ornament on this tree holds a memory….

It holds memories of my kid’s chubby little hands proudly bringing their macaroni ornaments home from school. Little hands that are now grown up hands with their own trees to decorate, but still those first ornaments (now in their third decade!) hang proudly on my tree.

It promises new memories as the next generation of grandbabies become old enough to appreciate and make their own decorations to hang on Nana and Pa’s tree.

It brings back memories of special people, no longer with us to celebrate Christmas. My ex mother-in-law, my children’s Grandma, would buy them a new ornament every year to go on the tree. This is our third year without her here on earth and those ornaments have become more poignant as I remember the bond that she and I continued to share despite the fact that her son and I had divorced, a reminder that life and relationships can go on even when circumstances are less than ideal.

There are decorations that allow us to reminisce over memories of special places visited and times with treasured friends, seasons of discovery, exploration and joyful adventures.

And, it carries hope in memories of new beginnings. One of our ornaments a love heart I bought for James at Christmas in the first year we had been dating. He had a very forlorn tree as almost everything he had owned had been taken from him and he’d had to start again from scratch. This ornament is a precious keepsake from when our love was new and a reminder that there is always hope for the future, even when everything around you might be falling apart.

As I sit back and admire my tree, I can’t help but be so very grateful.

Grateful for family and friends, at home and around the world. Grateful for cherished times had with those who are no longer with us. And grateful for second chances and new beginnings. But most of all, I am grateful to my God who loved us so much that He sent His son as a baby on that very first Christmas and to the son, Jesus who willingly came and gave His life that we would have eternal life… and that is something worth remembering and celebrating!

May your 2020 Christmas season be one of love and happy memories. I’d love to hear your Christmas traditions… please feel free to comment!

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My baby mattered too…

Warning: potentially controversial and upsetting post. No offence is intended.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month in many places across the World. My Facebook feed has been full of posts acknowledging and mourning with the mothers who have been through the awful experience of miscarriage, stillbirth or SIDS. Please hear me when I say I am in no way demeaning or minimising these tragic circumstances. I am absolutely not. I know the pain and the grief of losing a baby in utero and I know many women who have been through this heartbreaking experience. But I, along with countless other women must remain silent and unacknowledged in our grief and mourning, because our babies died through abortion. We don’t get to have a say because we made a choice to end our babies lives… Now I can’t speak for others who have been in this situation, but I think I know enough to safely hazard a guess that most women don’t make the choice to terminate a pregnancy lightly, or easily. I know, of course that there are exceptions to this, but in my opinion, they would be in the minority.

For those of you who are new, or unfamiliar with my story, here it is in a nutshell.

I was sixteen, fresh out of high school when I met the boy who I thought was going to be the love of my life. Six months into our relationship we discovered I was pregnant. While the news came as a shock to me, it never occurred to me or entered my mind that this baby would not grow to term and enter the world. It was an idea I simply had never even contemplated. But unfortunately, I was not supported in my resolve to give our baby life. My boyfriends mother demanded in no uncertain terms that I was to dispose of the problem I had created (her grandchild) and my boyfriend, for whatever his reasons failed to stand up for me, or the baby I was carrying. So, just weeks after my seventeenth birthday, and at twelve weeks pregnant, I found myself alone in a sterile room while the ‘doctor’ literally sucked the life I was carrying right out of my body.

Did I make that choice? Well, if you want to be pragmatic, yes. But, in reality, no. I guess it could be argued that I went into that room knowing what I was doing. But the truth is, in 1984 I had no idea what I was doing. I had been deceived into believing the lie that I was undergoing a simple medical procedure to remove tissue cells that had yet to form.

I’m not here to argue the pro-life vs pro-choice debate. Anyone who knows me already knows how I feel. But that is not the intent of this article. The point of this blog is to acknowledge the millions of babies whose lives were violently ended by mothers who like me, were young, insecure, uninformed and bullied into a decision they would live with for the rest of their lives.

Our babies mattered too.

If you have lost a baby through miscarriage, stillbirth or SIDS, my heart goes out to you and I mourn for you in your loss… I can only imagine the shock and heartbreak of unexpectedly losing your child. If you have lost a baby through abortion, I know exactly how you feel. I see you, I hear you and I grieve with you.

If you, or someone you know is carrying unresolved grief and shame from an abortion, please get in touch. You are not alone. God can and will forgive and heal you. And I know you can, and will forgive yourself. I will answer all messages, on any subject, in the strictest of confidence and compassion. But I will not tolerate name calling or judgement. We are here to lift each other up, not tear each other apart.

I will finish with one of my favourite scriptures:

When they continued to question Him, He straightened up and said to them, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to cast a stone at her.” And again He bent down and wrote on the ground. When they heard this they began to go away one by one, beginning with the older ones, until only Jesus was left, with the woman standing there. Then Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are your accusers? Has no one condemned you?” “No one, Lord,” she answered. “Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Now go and sin no more.” John 8:7-11 

With much love,

Vikki

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