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I’m not leaving… I’m going.

“I’m not leaving, I’m going.”

Such a small phrase but it packs a huge punch. It was posted on the weekend by an account I follow on Instagram #raisedtostay. The timing of her post and the impact it had on me were profound.

You see, we were just about to exit the church we had called home for almost seven years. We had spent many of those years in leadership including three years where I was on staff. The transition out was not easy.

This is a difficult blog to write because the truth is, transitioning well out of a church family is a tough journey. I want to be honest with my words, but respectful at the same time.

I have seen so many people leave a church with their bat and ball in hand, off to find someone else to play with. They get offended or disillusioned for all sorts of reasons and then just leave without explanation or a backward glance. This is not only hurtful but incredibly disrespectful to people who have more than likely invested in them. The problem with doing this is, they take their offence with them and so when the next person at the next place hurts or disagrees with them, they leave again and continue to carry their baggage with them until they either deal with its weight or get crushed under it. Both options are going to be painful, so you might as well deal with it instead of being destroyed by it.

Please don’t get me wrong. I am not minimising genuine church hurt. I know and have seen genuine hurt from both sides of the pulpit. None of us is immune.  I also know how easy it is for hurt to become offence if it’s not dealt with. And I’m not talking here about spiritual abuse, which is also real but is often confused with church hurt. Genuine spiritual abuse is a serious issue and must be managed accordingly. Sometimes it’s hard to know the difference.

And here’s where I come to leaving or going. You can leave in your offence, or you can go in your healing.

Can I be honest and say that in the sixteen months between coming off staff and exiting the church, I could have so easily taken my bat and ball and gone home. It was for the most part a lonely transition. I found that people typically don’t know how to deal with someone whose position has changed suddenly. I didn’t even know how to deal with it. How could I expect others to walk with me on a journey none of them had ever walked? How could I expect them to know the grief and the burnout I felt. How could I expect them to understand the loss of identity when you have poured your heart and soul, and sacrificed your own time and family 24 hours a day, 7 days a week caring for others to then sit in the congregation with nothing to do? How could I expect them to understand how it feels to see that life goes on for everyone else while you feel like you’ve suddenly become invisible?

I couldn’t expect them to. But I did.

Until one day when I was confiding in a good friend, ok, venting… I was venting. And she gently helped me see that no one could understand how I was feeling, because they hadn’t been where I was.

When I first joined the staff, I asked someone, ‘who pastors the pastors?’ They told me that when you get to that level of leadership, you need to learn to minister to yourself. I didn’t know how to do that. So, when the phone calls didn’t come and when people didn’t act the way I wanted them to, I didn’t know what to do. I got hurt, then I got mad, then I got offended. Or, as John Bevere puts it, I took the bait of satan. It could have ended really badly.

I’m so grateful for my wise friend who helped me put things into perspective. Then God in His infinite mercy took me through a (long) process of healing to the point where I was comfortable sitting in the congregation with nothing to do. I softened my heart, and relationships were restored. And it was then that I was ready to ‘go’.

We knew we had been called to another church in another town, but it was six months after hearing from God that we were to move on before we actually exited. Because I needed to not leave with angst, I needed to go with freedom. Enter #raisedtostay’s post. As I said in the opening, it was truly profound. In it she writes “I wonder if some of us are afraid to go into the unknown because we’ve worked so hard and so long to be here. We’re afraid to lose status, our reputation, but it’s all meaningless if it’s not where God wants us.

Going isn’t quitting or abandoning anything. It’s letting go of something that was good to grab hold of God’s best.

And though it’s terrifying to let go its exhilarating to see what He has waiting on the other side of obedience.”

BAM.

And just like that, there was the confirmation I needed.

We had spoken to and been released by our senior pastor, and we knew we were being led by God but there was still a sense of abandoning ship, so the day before our final Sunday, this was exactly what I needed to hear.

It was okay to go.

I didn’t leave, I went. I went to go where God is leading me.

I didn’t burn bridges, I mended them. And I’m grateful to say, I exited well.

Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. Then you will win favour and a good name in the sight of God and man.” Proverbs 3:3-4

Bring on the next season!

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The Door

Our Golden Retriever, Holly is a beautiful dog. She is an oversized blonde ball of fluff with an adorable personality. You will have noticed she is a great source of writing material for me! But sometimes, Holly is a bit ditzy.

We have a sliding glass door which leads onto our back deck and then down into our backyard. Holly has learned to sit at the door whenever she needs to go outside to go to the toilet. Often when we let her out, we will leave the door open enough for her to fit through so she can come back in when she’s ready.

One Saturday afternoon, James was working in the yard, and I was inside the house. Holly wanted to go out so I let her out and left the door open as usual so she could let herself back in. About five minutes later, I heard her bark and turned around to see her sitting at the door. The problem was, she was sitting at the side of the door which was still closed, staring at me to come and open it so she could come in! She didn’t realise that if she just moved slightly to her right, she would be right in front of the side of the door that was open. She didn’t move until I physically went to her to open the side of the door she was sitting in front of so she could come in, laughing at her as I did so.

How often do we miss the open doors in front of us? Or how often do we sit looking longingly at the closed door without realising the open door is right within our sight?

Other times we choose not to see the door which is wide open in front of us. We choose not to go through the door because of fear, doubt, insecurity, or even what others will think if we step through the door.

Revelation 3:20: Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.

John 10:9: I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. They will come in and go out, and find pasture.

Jesus says in Scripture, He is the door. When He was crucified the curtain in the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. It was torn from the top, opening the way for us to enter into life with Him and all He has for us. We have been given the freedom to go in and out as we choose. Access all areas. 24/7. He is always there.

We don’t have to wait for the door to be opened. It’s already open. It is us who sit and wait. We wait for the right person, the right moment, the right environment, the right visiting ministry with the right prophetic word. But read what it says in Ecclesiastes 11:4: Whoever watches the wind will not plant; whoever looks at the clouds will not reap. Essentially this is saying if you wait for the perfect time, you will never do anything.

The door is open. Take a step. You never know what you will find on the other side.

What step is God calling you to take that you’ve been putting off? Make today your day to take the first step!

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Faith, Family, Friends… and Fairy Bread

I love homewares and I recently bought myself a gift of three wooden blocks with the words FAITH, FAMILY and FRIENDS printed on them. When I looked at them in the shop, they were stacked on top of each other in the order of Friends, Family, Faith. I’m sure it wasn’t intentional, but it grabbed my attention and I immediately thought… that’s not right!

When I got them home, I displayed them on my table in what I believe is the correct order. Faith, Family, Friends.

Why is this important to me?

#1 FAITH: Matthew 6:33 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Seek first the kingdom of God. First. Before everything else. My faith is the pillar on which everything else stands. Without faith I can’t do anything. Without faith I would never step out and take a chance. John 15:5 I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. Without faith, I have nothing to put my hope in.

Faith is the bedrock of every decision you will ever make. Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. Whether you’re a believer or not you still exercise faith with every risk you take. You wouldn’t jump out of a plane without expecting your parachute to open. You wouldn’t marry someone without thinking it was going to last a lifetime. I’m sure you can think of other examples, but the point is this, faith is what underpins everything else in life. And for a follower of Jesus, it is the very foundation of everything we believe in.

#2 FAMILY: After our relationship with God, our second most important relationship is with our family. The family unit is pivotal to society, which is why it so often comes under attack. It breaks my heart to see estrangement in families. To see prodigals walk away. To see infidelity and divorce. I’m sure it breaks Gods heart too. After all He is the one who designed family. Genesis 2:18 The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” The NLT version uses the words ‘just right’ instead of suitable. I love that. We were created just right for each other. The perfect fit. Unfortunately, though, we all know how that story ended, and sadly it’s no different today. People make mistakes and mess up. But Jesus came to restore that brokenness. We can’t do it on our own. Just as we trust Him with every other decision, we must also trust Him with our families. You won’t always see eye to eye with each other, but this side of Heaven they are all you’ve got. So, nurture, love and protect your family relationships.

Romans 12:18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Tragically there are times where you have no choice but to remove yourself from a bad relationship. The sin that distorted the very first family relationship way back in Genesis is still prevalent today. That’s why I love this verse from Romans. It is up to us to try to restore and maintain peaceful relationships. However, sometimes even though you’ve done everything you can, it is still unavoidable that you will have to forgive the person and walk away.

I love my family and I would do anything for them. But sometimes they frustrate me no end! I just need to remember they’re not perfect… and neither am I. As hard as it is to admit sometimes, I’m actually not always right! That’s where grace, compassion and forgiveness come in. They need it from me, and I definitely need it from them!

#3 FRIENDS: After family comes friends. Proverbs 27:17 As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend. A good friend once gave me a fridge magnet that says, ‘Truly great friends are hard to find… difficult to leave… and impossible to forget.’ A great friend is indeed a rare find. Great friends are the ones who have your back, no matter what. Great friends are the ones who will tell you the truth, whether you want to hear it or not. Great friends will also ask you to tell them the truth, even if they don’t want to hear it. Great friends will never betray your trust. Although even the greatest of friend will inevitably disappoint you or let you down. It’s human nature, we’re all flawed!

As an introvert, I don’t have a lot of great friends. I have many acquaintances and some good friends, but the category of great friend is reserved for a very few. And I’m okay with that. I don’t need a lot of people around. In fact, I need to withdraw and recharge after being with too many people, I get ‘peopled out’ very quickly. I still love my friends I just don’t need to be with them all the time. I can hear my extrovert friends horrified gasps!

Sometimes friends can be family. Sometimes family can be friends. You would be truly blessed to have the pleasure of both.

Faith, Family and Friends. Three of the most important things we need to enjoy this thing we call life. I believe if we prioritise them in their correct order, putting God first and everything else in its proper place, then the journey will be a lot more pleasant and much easier to navigate.

And the fairy bread? That is just a little reminder to not take yourself so seriously!

I had a birthday recently and celebrated with a family dinner of party pies, sausage rolls and cocktail franks. All the good stuff. I also made a plate of fairy bread and posted some photos on Facebook. Do you know the one thing that got the most comments? My plate of fairy bread. It obviously brought memories and happiness to a lot of people. Fairy bread is fun, it’s simple and it brings joy. What’s not to love?

Life is hard, sometimes it can hurt, and we forget to have fun and enjoy the journey. Maybe we all just need a plate of fairy bread once in a while to put everything back into perspective.

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Stuck in the mud

A game we used to play as kids at school was a game called stuck in the mud. The concept was that one person was in and if they tagged you, you were ‘stuck in the mud’ until someone came and rescued you by crawling between your legs.

James and I love bushwalking. We often end up on tracks that are overgrown and boggy underfoot. Sometimes the boggy bits are easy to navigate, sometimes they’re not. There is nothing quite like the squelch as your boot sinks into the mud and then the slurping noise it makes as you lift it out, covered from toe to heel in thick gooey mud!

On one memorable coastal walk we encountered several muddy and boggy sections of the path, they got progressively worse as the track wound deeper into the bush where there was little sunlight to dry the mud out. We navigated several mud crossings trying to walk around the mud or finding branches to walk on over the top of it. Eventually though we gave up trying to avoid the mud and decided to walk straight through it until we came to dry land again. It was easier but way messier! On this particular walk there was also a river crossing where we had to jump the river to get to the other side. It wasn’t a huge jump and probably looked worse than it actually was, but I was apprehensive, I was not keen on the idea, and I was afraid of losing my footing or missing the jump altogether and landing in the fast-flowing water of the river. However, with James securely on the other side of the river and encouraging me on, I made the jump and we continued on our way.

I was afraid of getting ‘stuck in the mud’. There were times on this walk where it would have been easier to go back the way we came rather than persevere through the at times almost impassable conditions.

We continued on the path until it opened out to a rockface that had to be seen to be believed. Spectacular would be an understatement. There are not enough adjectives to describe the view that opened up before us. It was breathtaking, rugged, and so worth the hike to get there! As we sat on the rocks to eat our picnic sandwiches we marvelled at the wild beauty of where we were sitting. It was simply stunning, and we spent a long while exploring the area.

The point I’m making is this; if I had given up when I wanted to, I would have missed this amazing sight. And I would have stopped James from experiencing it as well.

So many times, we let fear stop us from experiencing the best God has for us. It’s too hard or we’re afraid of getting stuck. But we do get stuck. We get stuck on the obstacle in front of us and take our eyes off the path beyond. How many times have we missed what is waiting for us because we get stuck at the roadblock? What I have found with muddy paths is that you can’t stop. You have to keep going because otherwise your boots become caked with mud and heavy to wear. And the heavier your boots get, the harder it is to keep walking.

Sometimes we need someone alongside us to encourage us to keep going, or someone to rescue us as in my childhood game. The cries of the children ‘stuck’ in that game were almost frantic as they called out to their mates to crawl between their legs and set them free. Are we that desperate to become unstuck? Are we that desperate to cry out to someone to rescue us and set us on the right path again? If we’re not, we should be.

The Holy Spirit is the friend we can call out to, to help us become unstuck. The bible tells us many times that He will ‘never leave us or forsake us’. When you’re stuck, cry out to Him. Whatever your circumstances, there is always a way out. It might involve getting a bit messy, but He will comfort, help and guide you to safe ground if you just trust Him.

So, let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up. Galatians 6:9

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More Precious than Diamonds

As I sat at my computer editing a manuscript, I put my hand to my face and felt a sharp scratch from my engagement ring as it brushed my cheek. Fearing the worst, I slowly moved my hand and looked down at my ring finger, confirming my fear when I saw a gaping hole and an empty setting where my diamond once sat. My heart sank. I hadn’t noticed it was missing.

Taking my very forlorn looking ring to show James, I began to rack my brain. The truth is, I honestly had no idea where it had fallen out. I had been to many different places that day including the supermarket so it literally could have been anywhere.

Beginning the search, I pondered just how precious this diamond was. Yes, the ring is a valuable piece of jewellery but it’s value to me is so much more than monetary. It is priceless. James had handpicked my ring unbeknown to me when he decided to propose. He chose it. Especially for me. In secret. As a surprise. The sentiment behind that gesture cannot be measured or weighed. The sentimental value is irreplaceable, and it broke my heart to realise I had lost it.

What is interesting in all this is that the piece of manuscript I had been editing was about how the enemy tries to steal from us and distract us from doing what we are called to do. And how easy it is to get discouraged.

As I started to look for the lost diamond, I felt the Holy Spirit’s prompting to go into the last place I had been. I had been in our bedroom making the bed. As I was on my hands and knees looking under the bed, I muttered audibly to the devil “you will not steal this from me too!” In that moment I was compelled to look under the other side of the bed and guess what? There on the floor, sparkling against the carpet was my lost diamond. I felt like the woman in the bible who found her lost coin!

Or suppose a woman has ten silver coins and loses one. Does she not light a lamp, sweep the house and search carefully until she finds it? And when she finds it, she calls her friends and neighbours together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost coin.’ In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents. Luke 15:8-10

The feeling I had when I saw it was indescribable. I was so relieved!

But here’s the thing. This story is not really about a material possession. Well, yes. It is. But it’s also about how much more precious we are to God than even diamonds. My engagement ring is a precious symbol of James’ love for me. It is a symbol of restoration for both of us. James went out of his way to show his love and commitment to me when he proposed on bended knee and placed the ring on my finger. It was a time of much rejoicing. God says there is more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents. When just one person turns their heart towards God, the angels in heaven have a party!

My ring is not valuable to me because of how much it cost. It is valuable to me because I know the sacrifice of time, effort and yes finances, to purchase it for me. You know where I’m going with this… to another time, another place, another sacrifice. By the One who sacrificed everything because He thought you were more precious than even the most precious of jewels.

The enemy tried to get into my head when I lost my diamond, playing all kinds of negative mind games, but the Holy Spirit knew better. He led me to exactly where my diamond was. In the big things and the small things, God is always sovereign. And that, is worth rejoicing over!

When I got my repaired ring back from the jeweller, it was so shiny and sparkly that my wedding ring looked a bit sad and dull beside it! I left my wedding ring with the jeweller to polish and recoat so that it would match the lustre of my restored engagement ring.

This month we celebrated our tenth wedding anniversary, and I have my precious rings back on my finger where they belong. They are as shiny and perfect as they were when they were new. A beautiful anniversary gift! One of my catch phrases back then was “new beginnings”. We had both come from a place of brokenness after betrayal and divorce in our previous marriages and our relationship really was a new beginning for both of us, in so many ways. Ten years later, I can’t help but feel like my rings are a symbol of more new beginnings as we enter a new decade as husband and wife. A lot has changed for us in recent years and like my rings, I had become a little worse for wear. I had let the circumstances of life overwhelm me and I had become tarnished and worn out. Now it almost feels like God has taken the worn out and tarnished and transformed it into fresh and new. In the natural and the spiritual, I have been through the refining fire. Just as my rings had to go through a purifying process of repair and restoration, God has taken me through a process of relying less on myself and the opinions of others and He has restored my hope, my faith, and my commitment to trust in Him no matter what, because nothing is too big or too small for Him. He cares about it all. Even the seemingly small and inconsequential things.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. Ephesians 3:20-21

Challenge:

God is in the business of restoring things. What do you need to give to Him to restore today? A relationship? A career? A lost dream? Name your own….

Are you willing to go through the process of refining in order for this to happen? If not, what’s holding you back?

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The Two Dollar Table

Ecclesiastes 3:11: He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

James and I often visit hardware stores. We’ve been renovating our home for many years so there is always something we need. On one particular day we ended up in the garden section despite not being there to look at plants. Right at the back of the outdoor plant section was a table – full of dead and dying plants marked ‘reduced to clear’. I picked up a couple of punnets of pansies and violets thinking they were only $2 so what did it matter if they didn’t survive. I brought them home and watered them and a couple of days after that thought I had better plant them in the garden, by this stage they were pretty dilapidated. So, I planted them in the garden, or I should say I just plonked them in the garden, I didn’t really give them much care or attention, I still had the mentality that if they didn’t survive, I was only losing two bucks, so it didn’t matter.  You can imagine my surprise a couple of days later after being planted and watered, that I noticed buds starting to appear and a couple of days after that, they flowered, and were still flowering several weeks later…

The point of my story?

  1. How often do we place little value or worth on something because to us it seems to have no beauty or purpose? Yet, how often is it these very things that teach us the greatest lessons?
  2. It is often the things that appear beyond help, or seem too hard, that with the right environment become things of previously unseen beauty and untapped potential.
  3. God has placed a plan and a purpose in each of us that needs to be nurtured to its full potential. My plants were always created to become beautiful flowers but they nearly died because they were neglected and un­-nurtured.

God’s original plan was that everything was perfect and beautiful. As I was admiring my flowers one day it struck me that we so often overlook or disregard people because they don’t look right or they might be hard work. How many times do we shy away from the people who with a bit of care and nurture can blossom into something we never expected? My plants were almost discarded as being of no worth, they hadn’t been nourished and nurtured and were slowly dying. Sound familiar? How many people do you know who have become disillusioned with life, bitter from being hurt and slowly dying because no one is nourishing and nurturing them? They are in the too hard basket, the people equivalent of the ‘reduced to clear’ table that nobody wants to deal with. Or, how many times have we been the ones on the two dollar table who have been neglected and hurt and are slowly dying just crying out for someone to help us, desperate for life giving water?

We were not created to be isolated from one another. God commands us to love one another (John 13:34-35) Jesus is our greatest example. He went out of His way to care for and minister to the broken, seemingly unworthy and outcasts of His time. He loved the unlovely and showed compassion on them. Should we not be doing the same?

Looking again at the scripture from Ecclesiastes 3:11; my thoughts….

  1. He has made everything beautiful in its time – Everything and every person is created by God to be a thing of beauty. We are all created equally beautiful and with immeasurable worth in His sight. People need to be nurtured to grow into the people they were created to be. This is our time.
  2. He has also set eternity in the human heart – we all have a God given plan and purpose with eternal consequences, but we have also been given a heart of free will. You can choose to not follow your plan and purpose but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s there. Whether we acknowledge Him or not, we have an intrinsic need for God in our lives and can’t truly deny that eternity, or the need and desire for more than this life, is planted in our hearts. We all have a responsibility to nurture, admonish and encourage the people in our sphere of influence to be able to recognise and step into their God ordained destiny.
  3. yet, no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end – none of us can know the end from the beginning, and we’re not supposed to, which is probably a good thing! It is not for us to understand God’s will, but God was, is and always will be in control. We have been placed on this earth, in this place and at this time to step out of our comfort zones and minister to the hurt and dying people who are hungry for living food and water.

Challenge:

For much of my life I have been the one sitting on the two-dollar table. I can recall more times when I’ve been told what I can’t do, rather than what I can. How about you? Are you the one on the two-dollar table, or are we the ones keeping others there? I am sad to say I have also been guilty of keeping others on the two-dollar table. People I haven’t wanted to help due to fear or uncertainty, or people I haven’t known how to help and have shelved instead of taking the time and effort to dig deeper into why they are there in the first place. How often do we let fear and second guessing stop us from either fulfilling our purpose, or helping others fulfil theirs?

Who or what is on your two-dollar table that you need to nurture and breathe new life into? Maybe it’s you who is on the two dollar table, who or what is keeping you there?

What are you able to do about it? What can you do today? What steps can you take to make a change for good in your life, or someone else’s?

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Anchored

One of our recent discoveries, and now favourite places, is a place called Bittangabee Bay on the far south coast of New South Wales, Australia.

It is a remote camping spot, accessible only by dirt road and surrounded by bushland and the Pacific Ocean. The centrepiece is the beautiful calm, serene bay from where it gets its name. It’s quite breathtaking to stand at the mouth of the bay and see huge ocean waves crash over the rocks on the headlands to then dissipate to a soft, gentle ripple by the time they get to the shore of the bay. The contrast is truly amazing.

Bittangabee bay is a place of refuge and rest for passing small boats and one day we returned from being out to see a catamaran moored just off the beach.  It had obviously pulled in to anchor for the night and created a beautiful scene as it bobbed around with the waves. We hadn’t seen it arrive and didn’t see it leave but I know it was there at least overnight because I could still see the very top of its mast through the trees from our campsite.

As night fell, the external lights of the catamaran came on showing its position in the bay.

What struck me though was that one minute I could see the light at the top of the mast but the next time I looked up it had disappeared from view and another moment later it would be back. Although the catamaran was clearly anchored, it was still drifting to and fro with the ebb and flow of the water.

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1

So, God has given both his promise and his oath. These two things are unchangeable because it is impossible for God to lie. Therefore, we who have fled to him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us. This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. It leads us through the curtain into God’s inner sanctuary. Jesus has already gone in there for us. He has become our eternal High Priest in the order of Melchizedek. Hebrews 6:18-20

If God is our refuge, Jesus is our anchor to that refuge.

The catamaran in the bay was anchored but still carried by the tide. The light on its mast would drift in and out of sight as it shifted on its moorings even in the calm waters of the bay. Imagine being in a storm in the middle of the ocean!

Just as a boat needs to be securely anchored, we need to hold fast to our anchor – Jesus. So often we can shift and be carried by the tide… the tide of popular opinion, the tide of what other people think of us, the subtle tides of busyness and distraction.  Our anchor must be secure in order for us to not be taken too far off course by these tides. Tides that can so easily carry us away and before we know it, we’ve looked up and our point of reference has disappeared.

As I watched the catamaran bob and sway in many directions but always being pulled back to its anchor point, I couldn’t help but think of how we too can so easily veer ever so slightly off course, often so gradually you don’t even notice. You don’t have to go far to find yourself in unfamiliar and uncomfortable waters. But Jesus is always there ready to lovingly pull us back to the security of our anchor. And as long as we remain connected to the anchor, although we might drift, we will never drift too far off course, and we will always have a place of refuge to return to when we do.

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Until death do us part

My mother-in-law passed away at the end of 2021.

I never knew her. I mean, I knew who she was, but I never knew her.

My mother-in-law had dementia and by the time I came on the scene after James’ first marriage had ended, the damage to her cognition was already evident. She never had a clue who I was. In fact, the first time I met her she asked me where I lived. When I told her she replied with “Oh, James and (ex wife) live there.” And to rub salt into the wound, she still had their wedding photo on display in the living room. Not the best start to meeting the prospective in-laws!

“To have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.”

How many of us think about what we’re promising when we get married? I mean, really think about it. I’m sure most of us if we’re honest wouldn’t really be contemplating the worst-case scenario where we would ever have to put these words into action. Our wedding day is supposed to be one of the happiest days of our lives. We don’t want to spoil it by giving thought to inconceivable ‘what if’s’.

But what happens when the ‘what if’s’ get called into account? When the bubble bursts and you’re faced with the stark reality of your promise?

My father-in-law cared for my mother-in-law in their home until two weeks before she died. And even then, she only went into hospital for an unrelated event. For over a decade he cared for her at home as her health got progressively worse. My father-in-law took his marriage vows seriously. She passed away just days after their 58th wedding anniversary. His diligence in caring for his wife, the tenderness in the way he treated her, the sacrifices he had to make, the toll it took on his own body. This is what unconditional love looks like.

Not giving up and walking away because things got hard. Selflessly sacrificing his comfortable life when it would have been so much easier to put her in care. This is what true love in action looks like.

This is what until death do us part looks like.

I don’t say it lightly when I say my father-in-law is a hero.

He would scoff at that. You will never meet a more unassuming and humble man.

I’m sad I never got the chance to know my mother-in-law. I would have loved the opportunity to have had a relationship with her. The eulogies shared at her funeral spoke of a warm, loving, smart and funny woman who clearly was the centre of her husband and sons’ worlds.

Because she had a faith, we take comfort in the fact that she is now with Jesus. She is free from her pain, and we will see her again. I look forward to introducing myself properly!

He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. Revelation 21:4

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The Gentle Whisper

The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.” Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. 1 Kings 19:11-12

Isn’t it funny how you can hear a scripture so many times but then one day you read it, and it suddenly makes sense?

As I was having my quiet time this morning, this is the passage of scripture I read. And the imagery struck me as if seeing it for the first time.

The context of this passage is that Elijah the prophet is hiding from Jezebel who had threatened to kill him after he had overcome the false prophets of Baal. As Elijah was hiding in a cave, God spoke to him. But it wasn’t in the way most of us would expect.

Some of the things that struck me about this passage:

In verse 11 it says, “Go out and stand on the mountain”. Elijah had to do something. He had to leave the safety of his hiding place and ‘go out’. He couldn’t stay where he was if he wanted to hear what the Lord had to say. ‘Going out’ involved action on Elijah’s part. I imagine it also took a great deal of courage, especially when someone was after his life! He could not be a passive onlooker in what God was about to do. It is the same with us. We can’t just sit back and wait for God to move. Although He can, and sometimes does move on our behalf and without us doing anything, I have found it works better when we engage ourselves with His will and proactively step out in faith.

The rest of verse 11 describes what happened when God passed by. Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. This does not describe a serene encounter! Elijah must have been terrified. I know I would have been! Just imagine mountains being torn apart and rocks shattered, the noise alone would have been deafening. Now imagine trying to keep your feet in such a strong wind. The visual imagery in this is spectacular. And, if that wasn’t enough it was followed up with an earthquake! Still, we read, God was not in any of these things.

And then in verse 12: After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. It would seem God wasn’t finished with the natural disasters to get Elijah’s attention. Winds, earthquakes, and fire. If I was Elijah, I think I would have high-tailed it out of there by now! But what happens next? God speaks in a gentle whisper. And what does He say? “What are you doing here Elijah?” This is the second time He asks Elijah what he is doing there. As if He didn’t already know! And when Elijah tells God why he is there, that people are out to kill him, what does God do? He sends him back! Verse 15: The Lord said to him, “Go back the way you came…” I have to wonder what Elijah was thinking at this point. Seriously?

My point is this. Often, we are so busy trying to hear God in the ‘noise’ we forget to be still and listen for him in the whisper. Sometimes He has to do something radical to get our attention. Especially in those times we are frantically trying to run away. Obedience to God’s will is hard, and at times costly. But as we read earlier in this chapter when Elijah was first on the run from Jezebel, God provides for us and sustains us in our trials (verses 3-8). We can’t outrun God. And we need to listen for Him in the unexpected, in the quiet places. And when He speaks, we need to be ready to do what He says.

Get up. Go out. Listen. Take a step. Even if it’s frightening or it doesn’t make sense. Trust His gentle whisper. He will never leave you or forsake you.

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Forgiveness

Forgiveness: The art of forgiving or the state of being forgiven

Forgive: To cease to blame for feel resentment against

In my experience there have always been two types of forgiveness. The forgiveness of others and the forgiveness of ourselves. I think both are equally important.

The saying goes ‘to forgive and forget’ but I believe there is a big difference between forgetting and choosing not to remember. Some things just cannot be forgotten, sometimes the wound is too deep, but when we truly forgive what we are doing is choosing not to remember. We are choosing to not hold a grudge. God says this in Jeremiah 31:34b and Hebrews 8:12 For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.

The hurts that have been caused to us need to be put in their right perspective, as part of what has shaped us into who we are today but not something that should be allowed to control our future.

We are actually commanded to forgive. Matthew 18:21-22 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.”  And Colossians 3:13 Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

God forgave all our sins and mistakes when Jesus died on the cross on our behalf. He bore the punishment we deserved so is it right for us to deny people who have hurt us that same grace? But, I hear you say, you don’t know what I’ve been through. No, I don’t. Everyone’s pain and hurt is different, still the reality is that it is only by the grace of God that we can forgive. It is just not something we can do by ourselves, especially if the pain is too deep or we feel somehow justified in holding a grudge because it wasn’t our fault.

But unforgiveness is a sin.

Matthew 6:14-15 For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive you.

Forgiveness is really not a choice. But the beauty is that it does more for us than it does for the person we are forgiving. When we forgive, we are setting ourselves free from the bondage of everything we have been carrying because of what we have experienced. When we forgive, we are allowing ourselves to move forward and to step out of the darkness that has enveloped us for possibly years.

If the person who hurt us is truly remorseful then it can set them free as well to know that they have been forgiven. If they are not remorseful or even aware of how you are feeling, then it is not your problem. They will have to give their own account for their actions… as will all of us. Forgiveness is not dependant on whether the other person is sorry or not. You may never get the apology you so desperately want to hear or the change in behaviour you are longing to see, but that should not and indeed must not stop you from forgiving. Forgiveness is the only thing that will set you free and allow you to move on.

Sometimes it is a scary thing to forgive because it means letting go. Like a child with a favourite security blanket, we hang on to things because it makes us feel in control… sometimes it defines who we are.

But we have to let go of the past in order to embrace the future.

Forgiveness does not mean that you are condoning what the other person has done. Far from it. But it does mean that with God’s help you are willing to let it go. This is probably the most difficult step in the whole process, but also the most important step… especially if you’ve been betrayed. Without forgiveness you will be unable to move forward and will remain stuck in emotional bondage to whoever has hurt you. Someone once said, ‘unforgiveness chains you to your past, poisons your present and keeps you from your future.’ (source unknown) Unforgiveness will keep you bitter and will ultimately destroy you. It will make you sick and will negatively influence all your other relationships. It can be a daily battle. One of the hardest lessons to learn is found in Proverbs 24:17 which says Do not rejoice when your enemy falls, and let not your heart be glad when he stumbles… When you can honestly pray for and wish the people who have hurt you well – you will know you have truly forgiven them. I know this is a huge ask, but trust me, it is possible! Let me add here that forgiveness does not always mean reconciliation. Of course, sometimes reconciliation happens but often it is unsafe, or unwise to let someone back into your life in the way they once were. And that is perfectly okay.

Forgiveness is not only for those who have hurt you. Often the most important person you ever need to forgive may well be yourself. This can be harder to do than forgiving others. Feelings of guilt, condemnation and not being worthy of forgiveness need to be recognised and dealt with. These feelings, as well as fear of the future need to be given to the Lord so that He can provide the assurance that you are one of His precious children who has everything to live for and look forward to in life.

True forgiveness and the healing and freedom that comes with it is the key to unlocking everything you were created to be.

Is there anyone you need to forgive today?

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