Forgiveness

September 23, 2021

Forgiveness: The art of forgiving or the state of being forgiven

Forgive: To cease to blame for feel resentment against

In my experience there have always been two types of forgiveness. The forgiveness of others and the forgiveness of ourselves. I think both are equally important.

The saying goes ‘to forgive and forget’ but I believe there is a big difference between forgetting and choosing not to remember. Some things just cannot be forgotten, sometimes the wound is too deep, but when we truly forgive what we are doing is choosing not to remember. We are choosing to not hold a grudge. God says this in Jeremiah 31:34b and Hebrews 8:12 For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.

The hurts that have been caused to us need to be put in their right perspective, as part of what has shaped us into who we are today but not something that should be allowed to control our future.

We are actually commanded to forgive. Matthew 18:21-22 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.” And Colossians 3:13 Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

God forgave all our sins and mistakes when Jesus died on the cross on our behalf. He bore the punishment we deserved so is it right for us to deny people who have hurt us that same grace? But, I hear you say, you don’t know what I’ve been through. No, I don’t. Everyone’s pain and hurt is different, still the reality is that it is only by the grace of God that we can forgive. It is just not something we can do by ourselves, especially if the pain is too deep or we feel somehow justified in holding a grudge because it wasn’t our fault.

But unforgiveness is a sin.

Matthew 6:14-15 For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive you.

Forgiveness is really not a choice. But the beauty is that it does more for us than it does for the person we are forgiving. When we forgive, we are setting ourselves free from the bondage of everything we have been carrying because of what we have experienced. When we forgive, we are allowing ourselves to move forward and to step out of the darkness that has enveloped us for possibly years.

If the person who hurt us is truly remorseful then it can set them free as well to know that they have been forgiven. If they are not remorseful or even aware of how you are feeling, then it is not your problem. They will have to give their own account for their actions… as will all of us. Forgiveness is not dependant on whether the other person is sorry or not. You may never get the apology you so desperately want to hear or the change in behaviour you are longing to see, but that should not and indeed must not stop you from forgiving. Forgiveness is the only thing that will set you free and allow you to move on.

Sometimes it is a scary thing to forgive because it means letting go. Like a child with a favourite security blanket, we hang on to things because it makes us feel in control… sometimes it defines who we are.

But we have to let go of the past in order to embrace the future.

Forgiveness does not mean that you are condoning what the other person has done. Far from it. But it does mean that with God’s help you are willing to let it go. This is probably the most difficult step in the whole process, but also the most important step… especially if you’ve been betrayed. Without forgiveness you will be unable to move forward and will remain stuck in emotional bondage to whoever has hurt you. Someone once said, ‘unforgiveness chains you to your past, poisons your present and keeps you from your future.’ (source unknown) Unforgiveness will keep you bitter and will ultimately destroy you. It will make you sick and will negatively influence all your other relationships. It can be a daily battle. One of the hardest lessons to learn is found in Proverbs 24:17 which says Do not rejoice when your enemy falls, and let not your heart be glad when he stumbles… When you can honestly pray for and wish the people who have hurt you well – you will know you have truly forgiven them. I know this is a huge ask, but trust me, it is possible! Let me add here that forgiveness does not always mean reconciliation. Of course, sometimes reconciliation happens but often it is unsafe, or unwise to let someone back into your life in the way they once were. And that is perfectly okay.

Forgiveness is not only for those who have hurt you. Often the most important person you ever need to forgive may well be yourself. This can be harder to do than forgiving others. Feelings of guilt, condemnation and not being worthy of forgiveness need to be recognised and dealt with. These feelings, as well as fear of the future need to be given to the Lord so that He can provide the assurance that you are one of His precious children who has everything to live for and look forward to in life.

True forgiveness and the healing and freedom that comes with it is the key to unlocking everything you were created to be.

Is there anyone you need to forgive today?

September 8, 2021

Jeneft

I have a doll, her name is Jeneft… don’t ask…. I have no idea where I thought that name up from… I’m not even sure how to spell it!

Jeneft has been part of my life for as long as I can remember. When I was a little girl, she was the one I would cry myself to sleep with after a bad day, she was the first thing I packed in my doll’s pram the time I was going to run away from home… and she was my first life lesson in things that can’t be undone.

As a young girl, I aspired to be a hairdresser. Jeneft was my first ‘client’. Yes, I cut off all her hair. I tried to stick it back with sticky tape before woefully bringing her to my mum so she could fix it… because Mums fix everything, right? Wrong. Not even my mum could make Jenefts hair come back… it was gone… and she now had a very unattractive hair do.

And, just to rub salt into the wound, poor Jenefts feet were also unceremoniously chewed off by my Fox Terrier puppy.

Time went on and I lost track of Jeneft. Although I never forgot her, for a while I did not know where she had ended up. It turned out my mum had kept her and knitted her a lovely bonnet and sewed some new feet and shoes to cover up her injuries. I still remember finding her in a box one day and the giggle it brought James as I loudly exclaimed her name… Jeneft!! He said in that moment I reminded him of an excited little girl.

We all have a ‘Jeneft moment’ in our lives… sometimes more than one. A time when we do something and as soon as it is done, we realise our mistake and try desperately to undo it. But unfortunately, some things just cannot be undone. Sometimes the consequences of our actions will stay with us forever… and we are left with scars, visible like my Jenefts, or invisible that only we know about.

And often our ‘Jeneft moments’ come at the hands of someone else. An action done not by us, but to us, that cannot be undone.

I have had many ‘Jeneft moments’ in my life but the defining one came in 1984. Regular readers of my blog will know the story but for the benefit of those who don’t… here it is, long story, short…. I fell pregnant to my boyfriend at the age of sixteen. To say his parents were displeased is the understatement of the century. They forced me in no uncertain terms to get rid of the problem that I had created. This ‘problem’ was my unborn and still developing baby, their grandchild. Call me naive but back then I had no idea about developmental stages in the womb. As with cutting Jeneft’s hair, I didn’t fully consider the consequences of having an abortion… I had no idea what an impact my actions would have. I honestly thought and was deceived into believing that as long as you aborted before the twelve-week point, no harm was done because ‘it’ hadn’t started forming yet. ‘It’ was still only just a clump of tissue. I think back on that now and cringe… how could I have been so ignorant? The tragedy in this is that I am more than likely not alone… and the bigger tragedy is that there are people in the abortion industry who still promote this theory.

Fast forward thirty-six years and rarely a day goes by for me without being reminded of that time. A social media post calling women who have abortions murderers, an article demonising those same women for making an impossible ‘choice’ or a modern day pharisee on their self-righteous high horse is usually enough for the feelings of anger to well up, even though I know I am fully forgiven, fully loved and fully whole in Jesus regardless of my past.

As with Jeneft, no one could put me back together after that experience. It was as if nobody wanted to talk about it as each person in the drama tried to figure out how to play their part, by either acknowledging it and dealing with it, or burying their heads in the sand and hoping it goes away, which has been my ex-boyfriend’s approach up until now. But the thing is, something like this can never go away – no matter how deep you try to bury it, it will inevitably find its way to the surface time and again until you deal with it. And I literally came face to face with that exact thing earlier this year. If you haven’t read about that encounter, you can read it here Little Girl Lost – Redeemed

What I learned from that encounter is that it is not my responsibility to put other people back together, nor is it theirs to put me back together. The past can only stay buried for so long until it comes back to bite you. And if you are not ready, it will not be a pleasant experience.

I found out recently through a mutual friend that my ex-boyfriend still holds his mother’s opinion that having an abortion was “the right thing to do”. I actually feel incredibly sorry for both of them that they hold that belief. Trying to deny that something happened is not going to change the fact that it did. And I have found that God has a way of undoing everything that we believe is secure in our thinking. Eventually He will unravel us until we have no choice but to confront our past. And that, my friend, is truly the “right thing to do” because then and only then can we find the freedom and healing that only He can bring.

March 31, 2021

Little Girl Lost

As a grown woman, I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I could super-impose my older, wiser head onto the shoulders of the young girl and teenager I once was. Of course, that cannot happen, and if it did, I would not be writing this blog! But every now and then I just want to put my arms around her and reassure her that it is going to be alright. I want to tell her that she is loved and valued for who she is, not who she thinks others expect her to be. I want to tell her she turns out ok, despite everything she is going through.

Recently I faced a situation where a significant piece of my past literally turned up right in front of me. Through a bizarre connection, my ex-boyfriend the father of my aborted baby, and his mother the woman who insisted it happen, were both in the city where I live for an event that I was going to be at. Because of the bizarre connection, I was given warning they would be there but that did little to dispel my apprehension about seeing them after all these years.

In the week leading up to this event I went through the whole gamut of emotions. From feeling brave to feeling terrified. Feeling angry to feeling sad. Feeling defensive to feeling gracious. But my overwhelming feeling was protective…. Protective of my sixteen-year-old self. I just wanted to wrap her in my arms and say, “it’s ok girlfriend, we’ve got this”. The memories and feelings this pending confrontation evoked had me in a spin. My grown woman was ready, but my inner teenage girl was not even close to being ready to face the people who had caused her so much pain.

The day came and I prepared myself as best I could. My outfit, hair and attitude were all carefully put together to ensure I felt as confident as was possible under the circumstance I was in. I looked good, and I felt good. But inside I was as nervous as anything. It’s ok girlfriend, we’ve got this… it was the unmistakeable voice of the Holy Spirit. He was reassuring me that I was not alone, and I immediately felt at peace.

The event went off without incident and afterwards I got the feeling my ex-boyfriend wanted to speak to me. He was hovering, and it was weird. We have had no contact for thirty-six years. Obviously, he lost his nerve because he never said a word to me but a week later, he sent a text to a mutual friend asking them to apologise to me. For what?? That you forced me to kill our baby, or because you didn’t have the guts to speak to me? His mother on the other hand had once again made herself abundantly clear. It took every ounce of courage I had to look her squarely in the eye, only to have her turn on her heel and walk away without uttering a word. She didn’t have to. I knew where we stood.

But you know what? I faced my giants that day, and they were nowhere near as big as I thought they were. My little girl lost found herself that day and discovered she is brave, she is beautiful, and she is loved despite any lies the enemy tries to throw at her. This was a monumental moment in my life, and I came away from it feeling at least twenty kilograms lighter, such was the weight that had been lifted.

I have forgiven my ex-boyfriend and his mother. More than that, I feel compassion for them because they clearly have not acknowledged or dealt with the part they played in this chapter of my life, and in the ending of my baby’s life before it even began. That is still a process they must go through. I have forgiven myself and I know I am forgiven by God, and Jesus who is watching over my child until we meet in Heaven. Yes, I believe my baby went to Heaven and I will get to meet him one day.

I still cannot believe the circumstances that enabled this set of events to happen. If I told you the whole story you would not believe me, it is that incredible. Although, I will tell the whole story one day, but the final chapter is still to be written so it will have to wait.

One of the songs we sang in church that weekend was ‘Raise a Hallelujah’ by Bethel Music

“I raise a hallelujah, In the presence of my enemies; I raise a hallelujah, Louder than the unbelief. I raise a hallelujah, My weapon is a melody; I raise a hallelujah, Heaven comes to fight for me. I’m gonna sing in the middle of the storm. Louder and louder, you’re gonna hear my praises roar. Up from the ashes hope will arise; Death is defeated, the King is alive. I raise a hallelujah, With everything inside of me; I raise a hallelujah, I will watch the darkness flee. I raise a hallelujah, In the middle of the mystery; I raise a hallelujah, Fear, you lost your hold on me”

Thank you Jesus. I could not have said it better myself.

March 25, 2021

Bruises

My dog Holly and I had a run in yesterday. She is very exuberant in showing her love and I unfortunately had my face in the wrong place at the wrong time and received a massive paw to the nose and mouth. It was completely accidental, but boy did it hurt!

This unintentional injury from Holly took me back to another place, another time and another injury to my face. One punch, two punches, three punches to the side of my face; only coming to an end when my young daughter who had silently entered the room with her brother cried “Dad, Stop!” It broke my heart that they had to witness what they saw. The pain I now had around my eyes and the side of my nose after my run in with Holly triggered a memory of the pain I had then when I received a beating because I had said or done something wrong. The black eye I tried in vain to cover up, the lies I had to tell my boss explaining why I could not come to work. The fear, the shame… the guilt. Oh, the guilt. Because clearly this was my fault…. People don’t go around behaving like this for no reason. Right?

So, after a very restless night, I woke this morning feeling like I had been hit by a truck. Every part of me ached, especially my head. Holly is a Golden Retriever, and her paws are huge, but I imagine the stirred-up memory was also very much contributing to my headache.

As I was getting ready to shower, thinking about this past event that had so unexpectedly reared its ugly head, the words came to me Lord, I forgive him. Where did that come from?! Didn’t I already forgive this stuff? Again, the words “Lord, I forgive him” only this time they came not from inside my head but out of my mouth.

After my shower as I was putting my make-up on, the mirror in front of me clearly showed my wounds from Holly. I remembered another moment of putting on make-up to try and cover the ugly black eye… Lord, I forgive him. I remembered the family and friends I no longer see because I wasn’t allowed to have contact with them… Lord, I forgive him. The pain he caused me and my children… Lord, I forgive him. The affair, the lies, the abuse, the manipulation that it was all my fault… Lord I forgive him.

One by one the memories came… and one by one the words Lord, I forgive him. By the end of it I felt like I had gone ten rounds with Mike Tyson. I was physically, spiritually, emotionally and mentally drained.

I had a group of ladies coming over in an hour and my first instinct was to cancel them. I looked hideous and I was tired. I just wanted to curl up in a corner and hide. Then it came… ‘Thankfulness’. “What?” It was a clear instruction from the Holy Spirit. Be thankful. ‘Put on a garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness’.

“To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the LORD has planted for his own glory.” ~ Isaiah 61:3 NLT

While I don’t believe God deliberately caused Holly’s paw to slap me in the face, I do believe He is using it for His purpose in extending my stretch and my growth. My attitude completely changed as I began to find things to be thankful for… and there are so many.

My past may bring up painful reminders from time to time, but nothing is wasted in God. He will use any and every circumstance for His glory and to bring us to the place where we can be fully, honestly and completely whole. I took one step closer to that place today… and I must be thankful that my dog so lovingly slapped me in the face!