Little Girl Lost

As a grown woman, I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I could super-impose my older, wiser head onto the shoulders of the young girl and teenager I once was. Of course, that cannot happen, and if it did, I would not be writing this blog! But every now and then I just want to put my arms around her and reassure her that it is going to be alright. I want to tell her that she is loved and valued for who she is, not who she thinks others expect her to be. I want to tell her she turns out ok, despite everything she is going through.

Recently I faced a situation where a significant piece of my past literally turned up right in front of me. Through a bizarre connection, my ex-boyfriend the father of my aborted baby, and his mother the woman who insisted it happen, were both in the city where I live for an event that I was going to be at. Because of the bizarre connection, I was given warning they would be there but that did little to dispel my apprehension about seeing them after all these years.

In the week leading up to this event I went through the whole gamut of emotions. From feeling brave to feeling terrified. Feeling angry to feeling sad. Feeling defensive to feeling gracious. But my overwhelming feeling was protective…. Protective of my sixteen-year-old self. I just wanted to wrap her in my arms and say, “it’s ok girlfriend, we’ve got this”. The memories and feelings this pending confrontation evoked had me in a spin. My grown woman was ready, but my inner teenage girl was not even close to being ready to face the people who had caused her so much pain.

The day came and I prepared myself as best I could. My outfit, hair and attitude were all carefully put together to ensure I felt as confident as was possible under the circumstance I was in. I looked good, and I felt good. But inside I was as nervous as anything. It’s ok girlfriend, we’ve got this… it was the unmistakeable voice of the Holy Spirit. He was reassuring me that I was not alone, and I immediately felt at peace.

The event went off without incident and afterwards I got the feeling my ex-boyfriend wanted to speak to me. He was hovering, and it was weird. We have had no contact for thirty-six years. Obviously, he lost his nerve because he never said a word to me but a week later, he sent a text to a mutual friend asking them to apologise to me. For what?? That you forced me to kill our baby, or because you didn’t have the guts to speak to me? His mother on the other hand had once again made herself abundantly clear. It took every ounce of courage I had to look her squarely in the eye, only to have her turn on her heel and walk away without uttering a word. She didn’t have to. I knew where we stood.

But you know what? I faced my giants that day, and they were nowhere near as big as I thought they were. My little girl lost found herself that day and discovered she is brave, she is beautiful, and she is loved despite any lies the enemy tries to throw at her. This was a monumental moment in my life, and I came away from it feeling at least twenty kilograms lighter, such was the weight that had been lifted.

I have forgiven my ex-boyfriend and his mother. More than that, I feel compassion for them because they clearly have not acknowledged or dealt with the part they played in this chapter of my life, and in the ending of my baby’s life before it even began. That is still a process they must go through. I have forgiven myself and I know I am forgiven by God, and Jesus who is watching over my child until we meet in Heaven. Yes, I believe my baby went to Heaven and I will get to meet him one day.

I still cannot believe the circumstances that enabled this set of events to happen. If I told you the whole story you would not believe me, it is that incredible. Although, I will tell the whole story one day, but the final chapter is still to be written so it will have to wait.

One of the songs we sang in church that weekend was ‘Raise a Hallelujah’ by Bethel Music

“I raise a hallelujah, In the presence of my enemies; I raise a hallelujah, Louder than the unbelief. I raise a hallelujah, My weapon is a melody; I raise a hallelujah, Heaven comes to fight for me. I’m gonna sing in the middle of the storm. Louder and louder, you’re gonna hear my praises roar. Up from the ashes hope will arise; Death is defeated, the King is alive. I raise a hallelujah, With everything inside of me; I raise a hallelujah, I will watch the darkness flee. I raise a hallelujah, In the middle of the mystery; I raise a hallelujah, Fear, you lost your hold on me”

Thank you Jesus. I could not have said it better myself.