Forgiveness: The art of forgiving or the state of being forgiven
Forgive: To cease to blame for feel resentment against
In my experience there have always been two types of forgiveness. The forgiveness of others and the forgiveness of ourselves. I think both are equally important.
The saying goes ‘to forgive and forget’ but I believe there is a big difference between forgetting and choosing not to remember. Some things just cannot be forgotten, sometimes the wound is too deep, but when we truly forgive what we are doing is choosing not to remember. We are choosing to not hold a grudge. God says this in Jeremiah 31:34b and Hebrews 8:12 For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.
The hurts that have been caused to us need to be put in their right perspective, as part of what has shaped us into who we are today but not something that should be allowed to control our future.
We are actually commanded to forgive. Matthew 18:21-22 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.” And Colossians 3:13 Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
God forgave all our sins and mistakes when Jesus died on the cross on our behalf. He bore the punishment we deserved so is it right for us to deny people who have hurt us that same grace? But, I hear you say, you don’t know what I’ve been through. No, I don’t. Everyone’s pain and hurt is different, still the reality is that it is only by the grace of God that we can forgive. It is just not something we can do by ourselves, especially if the pain is too deep or we feel somehow justified in holding a grudge because it wasn’t our fault.
But unforgiveness is a sin.
Matthew 6:14-15 For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive you.
Forgiveness is really not a choice. But the beauty is that it does more for us than it does for the person we are forgiving. When we forgive, we are setting ourselves free from the bondage of everything we have been carrying because of what we have experienced. When we forgive, we are allowing ourselves to move forward and to step out of the darkness that has enveloped us for possibly years.
If the person who hurt us is truly remorseful then it can set them free as well to know that they have been forgiven. If they are not remorseful or even aware of how you are feeling, then it is not your problem. They will have to give their own account for their actions… as will all of us. Forgiveness is not dependant on whether the other person is sorry or not. You may never get the apology you so desperately want to hear or the change in behaviour you are longing to see, but that should not and indeed must not stop you from forgiving. Forgiveness is the only thing that will set you free and allow you to move on.
Sometimes it is a scary thing to forgive because it means letting go. Like a child with a favourite security blanket, we hang on to things because it makes us feel in control… sometimes it defines who we are.
But we have to let go of the past in order to embrace the future.
Forgiveness does not mean that you are condoning what the other person has done. Far from it. But it does mean that with God’s help you are willing to let it go. This is probably the most difficult step in the whole process, but also the most important step… especially if you’ve been betrayed. Without forgiveness you will be unable to move forward and will remain stuck in emotional bondage to whoever has hurt you. Someone once said, ‘unforgiveness chains you to your past, poisons your present and keeps you from your future.’ (source unknown) Unforgiveness will keep you bitter and will ultimately destroy you. It will make you sick and will negatively influence all your other relationships. It can be a daily battle. One of the hardest lessons to learn is found in Proverbs 24:17 which says Do not rejoice when your enemy falls, and let not your heart be glad when he stumbles… When you can honestly pray for and wish the people who have hurt you well – you will know you have truly forgiven them. I know this is a huge ask, but trust me, it is possible! Let me add here that forgiveness does not always mean reconciliation. Of course, sometimes reconciliation happens but often it is unsafe, or unwise to let someone back into your life in the way they once were. And that is perfectly okay.
Forgiveness is not only for those who have hurt you. Often the most important person you ever need to forgive may well be yourself. This can be harder to do than forgiving others. Feelings of guilt, condemnation and not being worthy of forgiveness need to be recognised and dealt with. These feelings, as well as fear of the future need to be given to the Lord so that He can provide the assurance that you are one of His precious children who has everything to live for and look forward to in life.
True forgiveness and the healing and freedom that comes with it is the key to unlocking everything you were created to be.
Is there anyone you need to forgive today?